Is Depression actually Anger turned inward?


A lot of people say that depression is just anger turned inward. While I would not say that is the only thing that causes depression, it might be what starts some cases and anger definitely brings down someone who already has depression.

I can’t tell you exactly when my depression started, but I am now aware that I carry a lot of “pent-up” anger. I’m angry about a lot of things I don’t want to share, but I will tell you a few things that angers and saddens me every time I think about them.

I grew up as the oldest child in a poverty level home. Our low-income caused a lot of anxiety because we had to move every two years (or more often). The “new” residence was often in worse condition than the last. I’m old enough to remember party-line telephones, but we often didn’t have that luxury. We had an “outhouse” instead of an indoor bathroom at most of these houses and other children always made fun of our “second-hand” or “hand-me-down” clothes.

To make matters worse, my parents separated when I was twelve. I had four siblings at the time and the youngest was only two. Instead of fighting to keep us, Mom left and went to live with her parents — 200 miles away. I remember Dad hiring someone to watch us, but I honestly don’t recall if she worked more than two months. This left me as a substitute mother by the time I was thirteen. Dad came home from work as early as possible, but I was still “in charge” for at least one hour every day after school and usually half a day on Saturday.

You might not believe it, but that is not the worst part! I sometimes wonder if I would have fared better mentally if Mom had stayed “200 miles away” and we only visited her 2-3 times a year. But, that isn’t what happened. She came back in July of my thirteenth year. The reunion apparently didn’t work out, because she only stayed until Christmas break. This repeated the next year and the next. My maternal grandmother died sometime during my fourteenth year, but I don’t even remember if Mom was with us or with her. When I was sixteen, Mom came back and stayed a whole year. During this time, we moved to Missouri for 2-3 months and then moved back to the same house we had left in Kentucky by Christmas. Mom had a sixth child three months after I turned seventeen (my b-day is in February if you’re wondering). Before long, maybe as early as July, Mom took my newest sister to Grandpa’s house and stayed there for at least six months.

If you’re wondering where I’m going with this, I’ll stop here and tell you. I’m angry with Dad and Mom because of their divorce and because I had to become a “Mom” at thirteen. I also feel like Mom abandoned me — not once, but several times! It hurt me every time she left. Even after I thought I forgave her, I was still angry with life itself. When my mother died last year, it took me a while to realize why I felt “abandoned.” It took two or three months for me to even admit I was angry at her, angry with her being gone again!

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Battling the Monsters – Rough Draft


I want to give you an example of what I’m writing about Anxiety and Depression. Its “working title” is Battling the Monsters because I was going to relate this battle with Dungeons and Dragons or another role-playing game. I’m typing this from my long-hand rough draft which means no polish or much, if any editing. But, I want some advice (comments or email) on how to improve it and make it publishable. I decided to make this piece a different color because I don’t know if there is a way to change fonts.

You’re in the airport with hundreds or maybe thousands of people around you. You feel crowded, closed in.

You think I can get through thisA few steps later, you can’t breathe and your heart is racing. You feel jittery and/or have a dry mouth. Maybe you find a chair or something else to sit on, but it doesn’t help. If anything, it makes you feel more claustrophobic.

What is happening to me? — you think or maybe say out loud. You start burning up (or freezing) and now your heart is beating so hard, you think you’re going to have a heart attack. You want out of there fast! 

It’s called a panic attack and it’s scary.

Panic attacks are caused by anxiety. Anxiety is the mind’s reaction to people, things and/or situations that frighten you. Your mind tells you to flee or fight and ignoring this advice usually makes the fear worse.

I used to have slightly milder forms of panic at the grocery store if I was shopping on a particularly busy day. And, I still refuse to shop on “Black Friday.” So you can probably guess how I felt at the airport mentioned above one day in 2010.

***

In this book, I will compare anxiety, depression and low self-esteem to monsters, dungeons and traps.

What can you do when you can’t run? In the case of an airport or any other large crowd (large by your definition),  you can run or walk quickly out the door. If there isn’t an exit nearby, find a bathroom and hide. Of course, if anyone is there with you, tell them where you’re going first. But, there is no shame in protecting yourself, even if you think, “The danger is all in my head.”

In future chapters, I plan to describe a problem, give it a label such as dungeon, trap or monster and explain how to fight or flee. I will also explain how you can use simple, every-day things as weapons and shields.

 

That’s just the Prologue or part of Chapter One. I do have more written, but this is a sample. Tell me if you would read it or, at least browse through it to see if I describe one or more problems you are having.


I suffered from panic attacks for years (still have one now and then) and this repeats almost everything I was told by counselors. I might add “Close Your Eyes (unless you’re driving)” while you’re breeeathing..

The fear of telling someone, such as a boyfriend/girlfriend is probably the most difficult to overcome. But, the best way to handle that is to just do it and try not to worry about what he/she will think. Break the circle of being afraid to share your anxiety.

There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed. --Ernest Hemingway

One of the biggest problems I have come across since I was diagnosed with an anxiety problem is that it is something people don’t understand. And when we don’t understand things, we will either 1) seek more information or 2) go with whatever assumptions come to mind and think they are facts. Everyone experiences anxiety in their lives, but a lot of people are able to cope easily and move on. Unless you have the kind of anxiety that terrorizes your existence, though, it is hard to understand, and even harder to explain.

Anxiety is like a fear response internally. Your body is perceiving some sort of threat, whether or not that threat actually exists. Here lies the toughest part: how do you explain the anxiety when there is no clear reason for it? On the weekend I was in a book store with my boyfriend, and I started to…

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Anxiety and Depression Symptoms



This probably belongs down near the beginning of the blog but it was written on June 14, 2011. Now I’ve decided to include it on this blog.
           You should always see a doctor if you have at least half the following problems:
·        unexplained, long term or frequent sadness
·        anxiety including feeling jittery, wanting to hide or panic attacks
·        unexplained weight loss OR weight gain – most people say this should have happened in the last six months, but if you can narrow it down to any six month period, I say it counts
·        changes in your personality or reactions, such as from calm and collected to angry and abrasive or the opposite
·        you’re often angry or dissappointed with yourself
·        losing jobs because you’re “too slow,” because you get nervous or because you can’t concentrate

Back Again


I haven’t posted on here in a very, very long time and I apologize. On July 12, 2010, I made a blog called “ADHD, Anxiety and Depression“. It was supposed to replace this one, but I only wrote three posts for it. 

After that, I tried to start another blog about Depression and Anxiety on WordPress. However, I didn’t write anything for it beyond the initial “Hello” paragraph.

Today, I decided come back to Blogger and renew my efforts here. I studied both pages and decide to add more posts to this one.

A lot has happened in the 1-1/2 years since my last post to “ADHD, Anxiety and Depression”. The most significant occurrence is the death of my mother.

That’s right, I lost my mother in March 2012 and I still haven’t fully recovered. I’m not sure when I will get over this loss, if ever.

However, my mother’s death also served as a wake-up call. It taught me to reconnect with my siblings, to take care of myself and it gave me a shove into doing things I’ve wanted to do for a long time! Her sudden illness and death showed me that we all have a very limited time on Earth and we had better use it wisely.

I promise to write more about this later. But, I ask you to stop a moment and ask yourself one simple question, “What have I done today that counts toward my goals?”

Cleaning Up My Cobweb


Hello to anyone who might “follow” this page. I flipped through a book about building web pages and blogs and it says that a page that hasn’t been updated in a long time is called a “Cobweb.”

I realize that this blog may qualify as a Cobweb page and intend to change that. However, I will not concentrate on the “Help” area any longer because there are plenty of books, articles and web pages for that already. Instead, expect many more links to click on.

“So, what are you going to write?” you may wonder. You may anticipate the following:

  • My journal entries — either in type or as a picture (of my longhand)
  • Writing/journaling prompts when I think of them or run across one I hope you like
  • Suggested books, blogs, articles, etc. with short reviews when needed


I hope this doesn’t turn you off too much. Feel free to comment on this and on everything I add in the future.

Hello.


Hi. This blog is not meant to be a diagnosis or free psychoanalysis.

PLEASE seek professional help if you haven’t already done so!

Everything written here is from my personal experiences! There is not an MD or a PhD after my name, nor do I claim to have ANY experience as a counselor.

However, I am in recovery! I’ve been going to doctors and counselors for many years and still visit on a regular basis. I deal with ADD/ADHD, depression and anxiety Every Hour of every day!

Some of my journal entries and observations will be typed in. What I’ve learned has been or will be turned into suggested steps for anyone else suffering from Anxiety, Depression, and/or Attention Deficit Disorder (with or without Hyperactivity).