Is Depression actually Anger turned inward?

A lot of people say that depression is just anger turned inward. While I would not say that is the only thing that causes depression, it might be what starts some cases and anger definitely brings down someone who already has depression.

I can’t tell you exactly when my depression started, but I am now aware that I carry a lot of “pent-up” anger. I’m angry about a lot of things I don’t want to share, but I will tell you a few things that angers and saddens me every time I think about them.

I grew up as the oldest child in a poverty level home. Our low-income caused a lot of anxiety because we had to move every two years (or more often). The “new” residence was often in worse condition than the last. I’m old enough to remember party-line telephones, but we often didn’t have that luxury. We had an “outhouse” instead of an indoor bathroom at most of these houses and other children always made fun of our “second-hand” or “hand-me-down” clothes.

To make matters worse, my parents separated when I was twelve. I had four siblings at the time and the youngest was only two. Instead of fighting to keep us, Mom left and went to live with her parents — 200 miles away. I remember Dad hiring someone to watch us, but I honestly don’t recall if she worked more than two months. This left me as a substitute mother by the time I was thirteen. Dad came home from work as early as possible, but I was still “in charge” for at least one hour every day after school and usually half a day on Saturday.

You might not believe it, but that is not the worst part! I sometimes wonder if I would have fared better mentally if Mom had stayed “200 miles away” and we only visited her 2-3 times a year. But, that isn’t what happened. She came back in July of my thirteenth year. The reunion apparently didn’t work out, because she only stayed until Christmas break. This repeated the next year and the next. My maternal grandmother died sometime during my fourteenth year, but I don’t even remember if Mom was with us or with her. When I was sixteen, Mom came back and stayed a whole year. During this time, we moved to Missouri for 2-3 months and then moved back to the same house we had left in Kentucky by Christmas. Mom had a sixth child three months after I turned seventeen (my b-day is in February if you’re wondering). Before long, maybe as early as July, Mom took my newest sister to Grandpa’s house and stayed there for at least six months.

If you’re wondering where I’m going with this, I’ll stop here and tell you. I’m angry with Dad and Mom because of their divorce and because I had to become a “Mom” at thirteen. I also feel like Mom abandoned me — not once, but several times! It hurt me every time she left. Even after I thought I forgave her, I was still angry with life itself. When my mother died last year, it took me a while to realize why I felt “abandoned.” It took two or three months for me to even admit I was angry at her, angry with her being gone again!


I miss you, Mom.

Today’s Daily Prompt is

Hi, Mom!

by michelle w. on May 12, 2013

Today is Mother’s Day in the United States. Wherever in the world you are, write your mother a letter.


Dear Mom,

I’m sure you’re doing fine up in Heaven, but let me just take a minute to say, “I Miss You.” You left Earth a little over a year ago, but I miss you as much as, if not more than I did last Mother’s Day.

No, you weren’t the perfect Mom, but who is. Jesus said that no one was perfect, not even him. I know it isn’t a direct quote, but I’m sure you could tell me exactly how it goes. I wish you hadn’t left us with Dad when I was twelve, or I might have been thirteen, but just barely. Being the oldest child of five (at the time) was extremely stressful. I wish you hadn’t moved to Tennessee where we could only see you twice a year. I wish I hadn’t blamed Dad for all those years when it was you who chose to leave. I wish you had come back to stay a lot earlier than you did instead of staying with us six months or a year and then going back to Grandpa’s house. It always made me sad when you went away. I understand parts of your reasoning, but other parts are still just as mysterious as ever.

For a long time, I struggled with not being able to say “Goodbye” or “Thank you” or a lot of other things I wish I had said. I probably said “I love you” or at least wrote it in several letters, but I still wish I had said it a lot more. However, I know you can see what’s in my heart and soul. You can see that I love you and that I forgive you. Does it matter how long it took me to forgive you? I don’t know, but at least I forgave you before God took you away.

Last, but definitely not least, I want to tell you something I discovered just this February. I don’t want to say “Goodbye” anymore. I want to say,

“See you later.”

Your loving (eldest) daughter,


Tough Two Weeks

I’ve had a rough, stressful two weeks. My mother-in-law fell off a ladder two weeks ago today. It took three or four days for her to go to the doctor.

Today, I went to the wedding reception of one of my sisters. At first, I felt out of place — there were a lot of people there and I didn’t know most of them. Having kids playing and strangers passing by brought out the worst “social anxiety” I’ve felt in a long time. But, the food was ready within 45 minutes and we gathered in groups to eat. I started feeling more comfortable after we all sat down. We ate outside in/on her carport and at tables lined up on her back yard.